Stan Lee’s Lightspeed – superfast review!

March 23, 2009

lightspeed_man

Marvel Comics guru Stan Lee brings us Lightspeed—the next generation in middle-aged superheroing!

Lightspeed’s Origin:

Daniel Leight was just an ordinary 50-something year old commando in the elite task force known as The Ghost Squad. In addition to their guns and ski masks, they have the latest in wrist-activated walky-talkies. Plus, Lee Majors (the Six Million Dollar Man!!) is their leader. And on Lee Majors’ desk there is a picture of his most special commando Daniel Leight.

Life was good … until, somehow, Daniel gets injured on the job.

An experimental radiation treatment cures him … but it also gives him light speed power. He runs real fast. To prevent getting windburn, he wears a ski outfit. To keep his elderly heart from exploding, he drinks cool-blue adrenaline juice.ghostsquad1

 

Lightspeed’s Archenemy Python:

Let’s just say that he’s a failed scientist. His reptilian experiments went up in smoke, mutating him into the monster we see today. With no job, no girlfriend, and no more government funding, Python goes on a rampage of pure jealousy, ransacking the richest, most successful science labs.d_leight

But don’t worry. There’s no need to save the day, not if Lightspeed is on the way!

(Sorry for the lengthy review. I’ll make the rest of it so fast you won’t even see it happen!)stan_lee

 

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Anaconda –Trickiest Trilogy Ever

August 2, 2008

They made four Anaconda movies, all featuring a big snake, sometimes gentically altered, and always hungry for human-sized prey.  But only three involved celebrities.  Why?  Well, here is a sneak peek at the inner workings of the film industry:

Ever since celebrities J-Lo, John Voight, and Ice Cube blew up theaters with 1997’s Anaconda, producers have wondered, “How can we turn this thing into a trilogy?”

Answer: Get more celebrities!

But after seeing the first Anaconda, celebrities weren’t convinced. After all, the snake was dead. How could there be another snake? It just wouldn’t make sense.

So, producers made an unofficial sequel entitled Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid without the help of any celebrities.  (Nothing against the fine actors who starred in this film; you are all totally wonderful and may you continue to achieve awesome success).

After the Anacondas movie, celebrities came back in pairs. David Hasselhoff and John Rhys-Davies were on board to round off the final two movies, both of which were now officially numerically entitled  . . .  Anaconda 3 and Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood.

So, if we exclude Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid as a kind of booby trap made to re-attract celebrities, Anaconda 1, 3, and 4 will altogether become the trickiest trilogy ever!

[Pictured here is John Rhys-Davies, the bearded buddy Sala from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.  He played in Anaconda 3 and 4, as a millionaire who spends his time financing the genetic alteration of anacondas … and also reading silently from big, thick books (the dictionary?) while standing at a podium.

MOVIE UPDATE:  After this review was written, Andaconda 4: Trail of Blood has now officially been renamed to Anacondas: Trail of Blood.

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Termination Point – the Never-Ending Movie Review

July 23, 2008

A jumbo jet crashes. No survivors. Yet … among the wreckage, a young farm boy discovers a half-charred boarding pass … and the date on that boarding pass is for … gulp … tomorrow!!

Thus begins this mind-blender of a movie known as Termination Point.Two Lous!

Actor Lou Diamond Phillips stars as a cutting-edge scientist. Proving his brilliance as a scientist, he wears a studious-looking beard, a pair of glasses and … he builds a teleportation machine. With it he can zip anywhere, anytime, and to any point in time. All he has to do is power up his machine with neon light bulbs and type in some coordinates on his cell-phone and—zip! Through a wormhole he goes!

Unfortunately, teleportation has a few side-effects:

1) A mismatching of people, places, and things from alternate universes.

2) A planet-eating vortex that seems to enjoy floating in the sky, zapping stuff into oblivion. Mainly it attacks buildings. But it’ll also go after people if they try running away. And it’ll keep on zapping until there’s nothing left. (Hence the title Termination Point, that theoretical point at which we all meet some sort of universal termination.)

3) Rogue agents. They’ll stop at nothing to get their hands on Lou Diamond’s technology. (*hint, hint* gunfights galore!)skywingairlines

To get away from it all, Lou somehow bypasses airport security, smuggling his teleportation time machine onto Sky Wing Airlines, on a flight to Mexico.

But will he escape his problems?

Before seeing this movie, I highly recommend re-reading this review to find out what could possibly happen next!

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Ghouls – a movie of ghoulish mystery

July 15, 2008

Ghoul_Morphology

Ghouls are on the loose in a sunny village in Romania!

They look a bit like flying charcoal smudges. But when they come down to attack—brace yourselves!—they morph into bloody-faced, raggedy-limbed mummies!

One hero (whose name is Thomas) has devoted his life to stopping them. As a descendant of Druid warriors, Thomas is armed with a family heirloom (a dagger which he sometimes stares at whenever he needs cheering up) and a trench coat lined with flash grenades and a shotgun full of flash cartridges. A blinding flash does wonders against a ghoul attacking in broad daylight.

So what is a ghoul anyhow? Dictionaries will say that it’s either a grave robber … or someone who delights in stuff that a grave robber would enjoy … or it’s a bloodthirsty demon from Muslim folklore.

In  the movie Ghouls, these creatures are actually the ghosts of ancient robed beings mysteriously known only as The Ancients. They have a queen ghoul. And they have magic powers. And a black stone—the size and shape of an ostrich egg—brimming with even more magic powers! They even have a whole group of human followers! Ghoul sympathizers! Spies!Family Keepsake

Yet, no matter how tough things get, we can always do what our hero Thomas does. Find something we like, and stick with it. Even if it means watching this movie!

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The Hive—a Busybody Movie Review

July 7, 2008

Ants in your pants? Be thankful they aren’t the carnivorous super-brains from the science fiction horror movie The Hive. They’ll either gobble you up within seconds … or they’ll give you a headache with their superior intellect.

Yes, these ants are smart. Super-smart. Like, build-your-own-supercomputer smart.

But so are the humans. First we have a rainforest dictator who rightfully says, “We will not negotiate with ants!”

And then we have the insect exterminators—Team Thorax. There is much to say about Team Thorax … like, instead of the usual insecticide, they have plasma blasters! And custom-made binoculars! I say custom-made, because their company logo is clearly visible through the viewfinder.

Note the cleverness of their logo:

Mighty Thor. Insects. Ajax. Anthrax. All sorts of things come to mind.

Equally varied is the plot. We get … explosions! Insect kidnappings! Romance! A music-driven montage involving microscopes and pheromones! Tentacles made purely of ants! Ant in the ear! And … surprise! A surprise ending which I will unsurprisingly not reveal here … but surprisingly I must stop before I do!

Check out the trailer:

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Copperhead – a snakebit movie review

July 1, 2008

“Cowboys battle copperhead swarm.”

That’s how a movie guide might summarize 2008’s Copperhead.   It’s Cowboys versus Copperheads … nature’s … um … Cowboy Killing Machines.  For a breif instant we get a bit of realism: a computerized animation of a one-toothed snake.  Apparently, somebody behind the scenes was aware that copperheads sometimes lose their fangs after biting a victim, and that they can replace their fangs up to four times a year.

But that’s it for realism. The rest is pure fantasy.

Snakes slithering up walls (in order to surprise victims by plopping down from rafters and rooftops) … cowboys doing a snake-dance while holding bundles of sensitive nitroglycerin … a big something at the end of the movie (which will not be described here, for anti-spoiler reasons) … and a Gatling gun that shoots both bullets and harpoons.

And be on the lookout for the sheriff. He hides from bullies. Yet he picks on heroes who are trying to uphold the law. He’s real handy with making  wanted posters. Wanted Snake

Most enjoyable of all is the reinvention of cowboy trash talk. Consider this crooked game of poker, in which the hero and villain antagonize each other to no end (NOTE: certain italicized words have been altered to maintain a G Rating):

Villain: “I’ll paint these walls with your blood, your brains, and your bells.”

Hero: “Are you all talk, or do you have enough ants in your pants to back it up?”

Villain’s helper (clearly not helping): “I guess there’s something wild in this card game after all!”

Me (wrapping up this review): “The End.”

For more cowboy action adventure, check out:

The Far Country
Jimmy Stewart vs. a Surprise Villain during the Klondike Gold Rush!

The Far Country

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100 Million BC – Time Out Movie Review!

June 26, 2008

Army guys! Time travel! Dinosaurs!

Yes, that about sums up this movie, 100 Million BC (not to be confused with Raquel Welch’s One Million Years BC).

Yet there is so much more! Remember the Philadelphia Experiment, that true story that allegedly never took place during the 1940s? Well, apparently, scientists from that experiment were transported back—way, way back!—to the age of dinosaurs.

And then some army guys go through time to rescue them.

But it’s the scientists who are the real heroes of this movie. Living in the past has made ’em tough. Like … killing raptors and pterodactyls and outwitting a big reddish-looking T. Rex known as Big Red … that kind of tough. They can even jump from a helicopter twenty feet high above the ground with the ease and skill of Jedi Ninjas!!

The only thing weighing these guys down is perhaps their science. It’s a bit heavy.

WARNING: *Scientifically Challenged Spoiler Alert*

Time travel involves poking your pointy finger at a little handheld device … thereby activating the much larger Rainbow Device, which we really don’t need (depending on where we are in the movie) … as long as the presiding scientist can somehow generate enough exotic matter to penetrate the space/time continuum with a sparkly blue wormhole, otherwise known as a singularity.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go have a time out to think about what I just said.

Want more dinosaurs?

Aztec Rex
A tyrannosaur in Ancient Mexico!

Aztec Rex

Be sure to check out another time period movie:

10,000 B.C.
Adventure, history, magic!

Or how about more time travel?

Termination Point
Lou Diamond Phillips takes a flight into oblivion!

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Rock Monster – an un-chiseled movie review

June 21, 2008

Rockslide!I was flipping through channels one afternoon when, suddenly, I stumbled upon a landslide of nicely textured computer-animated rocks.

It was … a Rock Monster.  Naturally, this movie takes place out in the wilderness (somewhere in Europe, as a matter of fact) … and there is a reference to King Arthur’s legendary Sword in the Stone.  I love that Disney cartoon.

But be forewarned!! Some quiet afternoon while watching TV, you, too, may stumble upon … the Rock Monster.

Rock Monster

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The Far Country – a Father’s Day movie review

June 15, 2008

This review is dedicated to fathers everywhere.

###

Alaska is overrun by gun-slinging thugs! Plus, they have a leader! NOTE: If you haven’t seen this before, you’ll never guess his giggle-inducing name!* He’s one sly dude — all dressed in black with a classy black top hat — making himself the official judge, jury, and executioner for the fine people of Alaska. Those poor bearded prospectors panning for gold!Bell Ringer Jimmy Stewart

Only one man can save them: A loner played by Jimmy Stewart … better known as the guy who plays in the Happy Holidays classic It’s a Wonderful Life in which he rang a bell and helped an angel get its wings. In this movie, The Far Country, a tiny bell is equally important for Jimmy Stewart. Plus, he’s the quickest gunfighter Alaska ever saw.

But the last thing he wants to do is pick a fight. Like most loners, he just wants to drive cattle across country and be left alone … even though the ladies can’t keep their hands off him!

Eventually he’ll have to fight. For the ladies. And for the bearded prospectors. And for anyone out there looking for a good old-fashioned action movie to pass the time.

THE END

Or is it?

*Ganon! The main villain of this old-fashioned Jimmy Stewart movie is Ganon! As in Ganon of the hit Nintendo series The Legend of Zelda!!! Well, actually, it’s Mister Gannon, with a double “n” … but close enough. The villain even has pointy elfish ears!

And whenever Jimmy Stewart or the other characters say his name, I giggle with Zelda flashbacks.

And I think, This has got to be one of Link’s lost dreams!

 

For another review concerning Ganon, please visit:

Zelda Movie Part 2: Villain Strikes Back

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Sabretooth – a toothless movie review

June 9, 2008

lostsawyerIn honor of the TV show Lost going into multiple seasons, I thought I’d talk about a movie starring Sawyer from Lost. Actually, the actor’s name is Josh Holloway, and in the movie Sabretooth, he’s not Sawyer. But he plays a pretty good prototype of the sarcastic, name-calling castaway, so I might as well call him Sawyer.

Anyhow, here’s the story:

A secret lab has genetically engineered a saber-toothed tiger … and suddenly, one fateful day, the tiger escapes … into a nearby campground…

But not so fast! We also have some trackers, led by Lord of the Rings dwarf John Rhys-Davies and Stephen King’s Firestarter telepath David Keith, determined to retrieve the escaped beast. And then even they start getting eliminated as the hunters become the hunted!Sabretooth Glitch!

The special effects are passable, but not very realistic. I think Sabretooth Part Two should be about a computer-generated tiger going on a rampage after escaping from a haunted supercomputer. With today’s b-movie special effects, that would look so realistic!

Want More? Here’s another movie featuring a sabretooth:

10,000 B.C.
Adventure, history, magic!

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