Aztec Rex, scientifically known as Tyrannosaurus Azteca, lives in an uncharted region of Mexico. He—and his identical female counterpart—are worshiped by the local Aztec Kingdom. Worship consists of placing a human heart on a miniature pyramid and then waiting for Rex to come along and eat it.

But apparently the Aztecs were running low on human hearts. Their entire kingdom has dwindled to a mere handful of Aztecs. So it was a good thing some conquistadors came along when they did. Rex was getting hungry.

The conquistadors are lead by none other than Hernan Cortes, the Spaniard famous for squashing the Aztec Empire. This movie chronicles his first unsuccessful attempt. (NOTE: Fans of Beverly Hills 90210 will recognize backstabbing shape-shifter Steve Sanders as Cortes!)

He and his six men are soon captured. The Aztecs waste no time humiliating their prisoners, making them squat in a holding pen made of fine straw and towering approximately one foot high.

If they want their freedom, they must do battle with Tyrannosaurus Rex.

What follows is one very lengthy battle of multiple skirmishes. We get cannonballs, arrows, gunfire. Lots of blood…a conquistador gets his leg bitten off while he’s asleep! And then there are duels between squabbling humans. Plus…during the action we get a wedding followed by a quick honeymoon!

But be warned, a honeymoon Aztec Rex is most certainly not.

This is an honest-to-blog movie review of the hit movie that celebrates mothers everywhere with such witticisms as, well, “honest-to-blog”…!! I don’t know if people really talk like that, but the characters in Juno sure do, and it’s ultra-charming.

Teenage pregnancy is the main topic here. No side quests or subplots. Just a teenager trying to figure out what to do with her baby. Abortion? Adoption? Motherhood? Surely she can’t rely on the teenage father, who is clearly just a kid.

Nervously—and looking very gangly in his bright yellow headband, gym shirt, and short-short jogging shorts—he says, “You’re pregnant? Just like our mothers and teachers?”

A heavy topic indeed. But it’s handled so lightly that mothers will be smiling all the way through to the finish line. A happy ending indeed, Momma!

Nine strangers wake up on a ghost ship … a dirty, industrial-looking ghost ship with freaky wooden crates that wobble and blow steam if you get too close to them. Freaky.

The strangers have no clue what’s going on. So it’s helpful that the ghost ship has a captain to lay down a few rules. You might recognize the captain as Shang Tsung, the generously sadistic host of Mortal Kombat the Movie.

Rule # 1: No smoking. This will lead to INSTANT FATALITY.

Rule # 2: No fooling around in the captain’s quarters, even if the room is decked out with all the fixings of a sleazy motel. Don’t do it. Shang Tsung hates a messy bed.

Rule # 3: No breaching locked doors. Doing so is simply rude.

Even if you think about breaking the rules, ghosts will come out and start picking on you. They’ll blast you with smoke skulls … they’ll trap you in an even ghostlier mirror-world … and they’ll whip you with ghostly tentacles of unholy gasoline hellfire. (We even get some glow-in-the-dark sea creature-people.)

This trend continues until the end. That’s when we get hit with some morals and values and a love story. I think our main hero sums it up best when he reads a quote from the eerily dead author John Steinbeck:

“Man sets his own trap, baits it, and then steps in it.” –John Steinbeck

And after seeing Ghost Voyage, I sure feel like I stepped in it big time!

Like Charles Bronson and President G.W. Bush, I used to think that violence was the answer. But can you blame us? Death Wish 3 is so seductive. It’s the ultimate playbook for how to take down whole colonies of bullies.

What does Charles Bronson do after losing his family in the first two Death Wishes? He moves into a rotten neighborhood. He’s hardened now. And he’s ready for more than just a few thugs and psychos. He’s ready to change the world.

What follows is a parade of shootings and explosions. Even the local police officers catch the Charles Bronson Madness. Shoot to kill. Gangs are evil to the core. So they must be destroyed with lethal force, right? Otherwise, they’ll be the first to destroy you and me, the concerned citizens.

Bronson Madness is so infectious that it has spread to my local government. From Death Wish 3, we learned that violence is the quickest way to get rid of Iraq’s ruthless leader, Saddam. And boy did that man deserve it! He deserved it more than any other dictator enjoying the common pastime of slaughtering their own people and having the potential to destroy all of humanity.

Because Saddam did something far worse. He undercut our way of life. I mean, the man broke eleven U.N. resolutions!

That’s the United Nations we’re talking about! We in the USA don’t really respect the United Nations like we do our own Bill of Rights, but at least we don’t break their resolutions! Once bullies start doing that, it’s a slippery slope on a global scale, folks.

As Bronson would say, “Let’s go teach Saddam a lesson.”

And so we did, with dire results. Saddam was righteously dethroned (and deflowered) …yet the Bronson Madness lingered. What do you do with millions of Iraqi citizens-turned-vigilantes?

Well, Death Wish 3 ended too soon to give us a solution to this problem. But that’s okay. President G.W. Bush has already brilliantly made himself in charge of a solution that could potentially end violence everywhere. It’s still a work in progress, but here’s the concept:

Gangs love guns, money, and territory (boy, do they love territory). Now bundle it altogether with a little job security, and what do you get?

Vivacious vigilantes—once and for all behaving for us—whether they be gangbangers joining our military; Iraqi militants helping our soldiers police the streets in Iraq; or a cheerful thug escorting you back to your car on a dark and lonely night after you’ve made a deposit into your ATM.

Give them a steady paycheck, and they’ll go from terrors to heroes!

Another Recommended Action Movie:

Torque (A.K.A. Road Rash the Movie)

Every once in a while I deviate from glorifying movies so that I might bury the latest in a series of … Deep … Dark … Secrets.

I won’t bother describing any dull or incriminating background. I’ll just start off by saying, “And there it was! Outside on the stairs of my friendly neighborhood post office—a medallion gleaming in the shade!”

It’s solid metal! I flipped it over, and then I imagined my mouth dropping open at what I saw.

It’s inlaid with stained glass and sparklies! And most importantly, every word of it is so true.

I me.

I sure wish I had a girlfriend/wife/daughter/boyfriend/husband/son to help treasure these digital pictures of the medallion presented here on this page.

The real medallion, of course, is too precious to give away.

The Sci-Fi Channel scores a winner with Warbirds, a monster adventure flick set in World War II. Sure, it has many flaws…but nothing that can’t be turned upside down, like turning a frown into a smile.

The plot is simple enough. American soldiers crash-land on an island ruled by winged monsters with razor sharp claws. The soldiers must protect their cargo — top secret! —and eventually escape the island.

Now let’s raise the stakes: Japanese soldiers are also trying to escape. And neither the Japanese nor the Americans trust each other.

But the real heroes are the women. They are powerful, take-charge women who know their way around a dogfight. Hideous Winged Monsters vs. Powerful Women in Fighter Planes — that’s what this movie is all about. And unless you’re a male chauvinistic pig (which I am surely not, ladies) you’ll agree that this is a wonderful concept that can do no wrong.

While it may not win any awards, Warbirds will surely win many a smile of pleased moviegoers.

Other Monster Movies:

Alone in the Dark

Odysseus and the Isle of the Mists

Strap on your goggles…and prepare to have your mind splashed! Splashed with useful insight on the movie The Water Horse, that is.

I was reluctant to see another Loch Ness movie, having been through it before with Magic in the Water. I’ve even seen Werner Herzog’s delightfully distrustful documentary, Incident at Loch Ness. And I thought, “Would I really enjoy another Nessie movie?”

The answer: a resounding yes!

I should warn you that I have Scottish roots, so I relate to this sort of stuff by default. And The Water Horse is steeped in Scottish folklore. But at least the characters have a light Scottish accent, so we can still understand them.

And now—what I alone have been waiting for—reasons why this movie is worth seeing:

1) The sea monster has loads of personality. First of all, it has a name…Crusoe, named after the survival-on-a-desert-island book, Robinson Crusoe. We get to see Crusoe grow from a little hatchling to a fearsome mega-monster. But don’t worry. It might look scary, and at one point it suffers from a bad case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Yet, deep down inside, it’s as playful as a kitten. And I like kittens.

Well, there are other reasons, but that’s the big one. Other highlights include:

1) World War II in beautiful Scotland.

2) Taking a roller coaster dive into the mysterious depths of the Loch.

3) Cannon fire.

4) A young boy struggling to keep his pet sea monster a secret from his mother, his sister, the handyman, and a whole platoon of British soldiers and their ferocious dog who have moved in recently.

“We are not here for the lovely scenery,” shouts the British commander, trying his best to look tough. “We are here to keep Nazi U-Boats from invading Loch Ness!” To which his troops chuckle, knowing what an easy assignment they have.

But what’s easy for them is never easy for a boy and his sea monster!

So, now that I have properly brainwashed your brain, go see Water Horse…

The Sci-Fi Channel + Homer’s Odyssey = a movie!!!!

Yes, the Sci-Fi Channel has tackled one of the richest and most ancient poems in human history, and they didn’t give up until they decided to do a movie based on events that don’t even occur in the aforementioned poem!

Why? Because Odysseus and the Isle of the Mists is a lost chapter that Homer himself has forgotten about.

He starts out as an old man writing about the time when he was a young man…a scrawny young man who has a flair for taking notes to someday write a story with.

The Setting:

A stormy night on the open sea. Monsters fly overhead like vultures circling a potential meal: an ancient sailing ship.

Onboard is King Odysseus (played by the awesome Arnold Vosloo, the mummy-guy from 2001’s Mummy Returns). Odysseus is about to brave the storm by binding himself to the mast of his ship…a technique that really inspires the crew.

Homer is so touched with affection for his king that he says, “May I be bound with you?”

To which the awesome King Odysseus replies, “No, Homer. We need you down below deck, to continue writing stories for our posterity.”

And then they get shipwrecked on a misty island full of winged harpies and a gorgeous woman with magical powers (Stefanie von Pfetten). Danger and survival rule the rest of the movie.

But unfortunately, we don’t get any Cyclops. Instead, we get Homer asking his shipmates about the time they outwitted a Cyclops. Homer wasn’t there, but he’s eager to hear the tale…just as eager as a dime store novelist listening to a bunch of outlaws in the wild, wild west.

As the awesome King Odysseus recounts the tale of the Cyclops, Homer is busy jotting down the greatest and most unforgettable notes of his lifetime.

And he will turn these notes into the story that we know and love today…as soon as he escapes this dreadful Isle of the Mists.

The End.

Other Monster Movies:

Alone in the Dark

Warbirds

Morgan Freeman plays God Almighty, and for some reason he (the actor playing God, otherwise I’d use the traditional “He” with a capital “H”) he gives his infinite power to a goofball reporter, played by Jim Carrey. If it weren’t for the modern-day setting and overall silliness, this could be a story from the Bible. There’s a lesson to be learned here…a disturbing, horrifying truth. A deep dark secret.

Jim Carrey makes God laugh. But when Jim Carrey gets sick with jealousy over other reporters that get more respect, God decides to give him a major boost.

Using infinite power, Jim Carrey becomes the ultimate reporter. He’s always at the right place when breaking news erupts. Like Peter Parker always getting the scoop on Spider-Man sightings, Jim Carrey quickly becomes known as “Mr. Exclusive.”

For the most part, this is a humorous family movie. Even the monkey climbing out of some thug’s bottom is tastefully done (tastefully?! Maybe I should have used a more tasteful word).

The Deep Dark Secret

Infinite power comes with an infinite price. Just ask Superman in the book Miracle Monday. He can hear everybody’s cries for help. And the cries are never-ending. In Bruce Almighty, Jim Carrey listens to people’s endless prayers—their cries for help—in the form of emails on a spiritually-endowed computer.

How appropriate. Nowadays we are all super-people. With a click of a button, we can visit people in practically any part of the world instantly. And we keep our own virtual doors wide open for visitors.

Yet it’s all very desperate. In our own subtle ways, we people are secretly crying for help. Sure, we have a product to push. News. Entertainment. Things. But let’s not forget why we even bother. We are hungry for attention. And I wish I could help everybody in need. Comfort them by purchasing their product or simply imparting a thoughtful, job-well-done comment.

But it’s just so overwhelming. If I try, I might risk myself disintegrating into a billion directions online…and in the process, I’ll end up losing myself, my mind, and what little life I have remaining.

P.S.: Push your product in the comments below. I don’t care. Even if it’s spam. I’m feeling generous.

Forget about the recent movie trailer hoax produced by IGN and Rainfall Films. There really is a movie based on Nintendo’s popular game series in the works. The production company is BMB Finishes, and the movie is called The Legend of Zelda: The Hero of Time.

And now for the sad news. BMB Finishes is on a shoestring budget. They are so independent, that they don’t have any production credits to speak of on the Internet Movie Database. So the quality might be a bit lacking.

And by the looks of their movie trailer, I think it’ll be nearly impossible to find the perfect actor to play the hero Link. We might have to use CG animation, or even puppetry, like in Jim Henson’s Dark Crystal.

But here’s the good news: We have discovered the perfect Ganondorf Dragmire—Link’s ultimate nemeses—better known simply as Ganon.

If you’ve seen the movie 10,000 B.C., you’ll know what I’m talking about. The warlord from that movie has a deep, commanding voice. You can hear him shouting clear across the desert—miles upon miles! (No wonder how the hero D’Leh was able to track him down, after admitting that the warlord was like a ghost, leaving no trail to follow.)

The actor playing the warlord is Affif Ben Badra. Check out his profile on the Movie Database. He’s got the unique voice, just like James Earl Jones had for Darth Vader. And, well, he just looks like a Ganon!

In every epic adventure, the villain is always the first to rise to power. Now that we have our Ganon, everything else in the movie world for Zelda will naturally fall into place.

For more on Zelda in the movies: