Death Wish 3 — A Patriotic Movie Review

Like Charles Bronson and President G.W. Bush, I used to think that violence was the answer. But can you blame us? Death Wish 3 is so seductive. It’s the ultimate playbook for how to take down whole colonies of bullies.

What does Charles Bronson do after losing his family in the first two Death Wishes? He moves into a rotten neighborhood. He’s hardened now. And he’s ready for more than just a few thugs and psychos. He’s ready to change the world.

What follows is a parade of shootings and explosions. Even the local police officers catch the Charles Bronson Madness. Shoot to kill. Gangs are evil to the core. So they must be destroyed with lethal force, right? Otherwise, they’ll be the first to destroy you and me, the concerned citizens.

Bronson Madness is so infectious that it has spread to my local government. From Death Wish 3, we learned that violence is the quickest way to get rid of Iraq’s ruthless leader, Saddam. And boy did that man deserve it! He deserved it more than any other dictator enjoying the common pastime of slaughtering their own people and having the potential to destroy all of humanity.

Because Saddam did something far worse. He undercut our way of life. I mean, the man broke eleven U.N. resolutions!

That’s the United Nations we’re talking about! We in the USA don’t really respect the United Nations like we do our own Bill of Rights, but at least we don’t break their resolutions! Once bullies start doing that, it’s a slippery slope on a global scale, folks.

As Bronson would say, “Let’s go teach Saddam a lesson.”

And so we did, with dire results. Saddam was righteously dethroned (and deflowered) …yet the Bronson Madness lingered. What do you do with millions of Iraqi citizens-turned-vigilantes?

Well, Death Wish 3 ended too soon to give us a solution to this problem. But that’s okay. President G.W. Bush has already brilliantly made himself in charge of a solution that could potentially end violence everywhere. It’s still a work in progress, but here’s the concept:

Gangs love guns, money, and territory (boy, do they love territory). Now bundle it altogether with a little job security, and what do you get?

Vivacious vigilantes—once and for all behaving for us—whether they be gangbangers joining our military; Iraqi militants helping our soldiers police the streets in Iraq; or a cheerful thug escorting you back to your car on a dark and lonely night after you’ve made a deposit into your ATM.

Give them a steady paycheck, and they’ll go from terrors to heroes!

Another Recommended Action Movie:

Torque (A.K.A. Road Rash the Movie)