Aztec Rex – A Dino-mite Movie Review!

Aztec Rex, scientifically known as Tyrannosaurus Azteca, lives in an uncharted region of Mexico. He—and his identical female counterpart—are worshiped by the local Aztec Kingdom. Worship consists of placing a human heart on a miniature pyramid and then waiting for Rex to come along and eat it.

But apparently the Aztecs were running low on human hearts. Their entire kingdom has dwindled to a mere handful of Aztecs. So it was a good thing some conquistadors came along when they did. Rex was getting hungry.

The conquistadors are lead by none other than Hernan Cortes, the Spaniard famous for squashing the Aztec Empire. This movie chronicles his first unsuccessful attempt. (NOTE: Fans of Beverly Hills 90210 will recognize backstabbing shape-shifter Steve Sanders as Cortes!)

He and his six men are soon captured. The Aztecs waste no time humiliating their prisoners, making them squat in a holding pen made of fine straw and towering approximately one foot high.

If they want their freedom, they must do battle with Tyrannosaurus Rex.

What follows is one very lengthy battle of multiple skirmishes. We get cannonballs, arrows, gunfire. Lots of blood…a conquistador gets his leg bitten off while he’s asleep! And then there are duels between squabbling humans. Plus…during the action we get a wedding followed by a quick honeymoon!

But be warned, a honeymoon Aztec Rex is most certainly not.

Juno – Mother’s Day Edition!

This is an honest-to-blog movie review of the hit movie that celebrates mothers everywhere with such witticisms as, well, “honest-to-blog”…!! I don’t know if people really talk like that, but the characters in Juno sure do, and it’s ultra-charming.

Teenage pregnancy is the main topic here. No side quests or subplots. Just a teenager trying to figure out what to do with her baby. Abortion? Adoption? Motherhood? Surely she can’t rely on the teenage father, who is clearly just a kid.

Nervously—and looking very gangly in his bright yellow headband, gym shirt, and short-short jogging shorts—he says, “You’re pregnant? Just like our mothers and teachers?”

A heavy topic indeed. But it’s handled so lightly that mothers will be smiling all the way through to the finish line. A happy ending indeed, Momma!

Ghost Voyage (a disturbing review)

Nine strangers wake up on a ghost ship … a dirty, industrial-looking ghost ship with freaky wooden crates that wobble and blow steam if you get too close to them. Freaky.

The strangers have no clue what’s going on. So it’s helpful that the ghost ship has a captain to lay down a few rules. You might recognize the captain as Shang Tsung, the generously sadistic host of Mortal Kombat the Movie.

Rule # 1: No smoking. This will lead to INSTANT FATALITY.

Rule # 2: No fooling around in the captain’s quarters, even if the room is decked out with all the fixings of a sleazy motel. Don’t do it. Shang Tsung hates a messy bed.

Rule # 3: No breaching locked doors. Doing so is simply rude.

Even if you think about breaking the rules, ghosts will come out and start picking on you. They’ll blast you with smoke skulls … they’ll trap you in an even ghostlier mirror-world … and they’ll whip you with ghostly tentacles of unholy gasoline hellfire. (We even get some glow-in-the-dark sea creature-people.)

This trend continues until the end. That’s when we get hit with some morals and values and a love story. I think our main hero sums it up best when he reads a quote from the eerily dead author John Steinbeck:

“Man sets his own trap, baits it, and then steps in it.” –John Steinbeck

And after seeing Ghost Voyage, I sure feel like I stepped in it big time!

Death Wish 3 — A Patriotic Movie Review

Like Charles Bronson and President G.W. Bush, I used to think that violence was the answer. But can you blame us? Death Wish 3 is so seductive. It’s the ultimate playbook for how to take down whole colonies of bullies.

What does Charles Bronson do after losing his family in the first two Death Wishes? He moves into a rotten neighborhood. He’s hardened now. And he’s ready for more than just a few thugs and psychos. He’s ready to change the world.

What follows is a parade of shootings and explosions. Even the local police officers catch the Charles Bronson Madness. Shoot to kill. Gangs are evil to the core. So they must be destroyed with lethal force, right? Otherwise, they’ll be the first to destroy you and me, the concerned citizens.

Bronson Madness is so infectious that it has spread to my local government. From Death Wish 3, we learned that violence is the quickest way to get rid of Iraq’s ruthless leader, Saddam. And boy did that man deserve it! He deserved it more than any other dictator enjoying the common pastime of slaughtering their own people and having the potential to destroy all of humanity.

Because Saddam did something far worse. He undercut our way of life. I mean, the man broke eleven U.N. resolutions!

That’s the United Nations we’re talking about! We in the USA don’t really respect the United Nations like we do our own Bill of Rights, but at least we don’t break their resolutions! Once bullies start doing that, it’s a slippery slope on a global scale, folks.

As Bronson would say, “Let’s go teach Saddam a lesson.”

And so we did, with dire results. Saddam was righteously dethroned (and deflowered) …yet the Bronson Madness lingered. What do you do with millions of Iraqi citizens-turned-vigilantes?

Well, Death Wish 3 ended too soon to give us a solution to this problem. But that’s okay. President G.W. Bush has already brilliantly made himself in charge of a solution that could potentially end violence everywhere. It’s still a work in progress, but here’s the concept:

Gangs love guns, money, and territory (boy, do they love territory). Now bundle it altogether with a little job security, and what do you get?

Vivacious vigilantes—once and for all behaving for us—whether they be gangbangers joining our military; Iraqi militants helping our soldiers police the streets in Iraq; or a cheerful thug escorting you back to your car on a dark and lonely night after you’ve made a deposit into your ATM.

Give them a steady paycheck, and they’ll go from terrors to heroes!

Another Recommended Action Movie:

Torque (A.K.A. Road Rash the Movie)