The Mist – Run away! Scary Movie Review!

Every once in a while, famed horror writer Stephen King wants us to bite the big one. He puts us on a runaway train of death and destruction and then tells us, “You have two choices. Either give up, or you’ll be forced to give up.”

Director George A. Romero did the same thing to us with his 1968 cult classic Night of the Living Dead. In that movie, our heroes did not give up until they were forced into it. And, boy, were they forced!

(Notice how I’m being very careful here…I don’t want to reveal endings for people who haven’t seen them yet…because that would be too much of a scary movie review. As a movie reviewer, instead of scaring you half you death with spoiler alerts, I’d rather just scare the pants off you with my uncanny yet witty metaphors.)

Director Frank Darabont (the genius behind Shawshank Redemption) has removed scenes from the Stephen King novella, and then he added some new scenes. The result? A quick paced thrill ride. Only when the ride slows down toward the end do we realize the horrifying truth.

With George A. Romero’s zombies, at least we had a fighting chance. I mean, they are zombies after all. Slow-witted versions of ourselves. But Stephen King’s The Mist has a freaky collection of otherworldly monsters…monsters sporting razor-sharp teeth and claws and tentacles and—well, you get the idea.

The odds are against us. Totally. Especially if you believe in monsters, like I do. You’ll walk away feeling depressed. Saddened. Angry. Totally wigged out.

But if you don’t believe in monsters, you’ll be one of the many few who found their way through the mist unharmed.

The Legend of Zelda–The Movie

Do a search on the Internet Movie Database, and you’ll make a happy yet ultimately disappointing discovery. There are over a dozen results for The Legend of Zelda! You’ll see the Japanese version of the title, Zeruda no densetsu, which literally means Zelda’s Legend.

And you might think, as I did, “Is there really a Japanese movie version of the popular video game series licensed by Nintendo and created by genius Shigeru Miyamoto in 1986? They actually have a whole series of movies I didn’t know about?”

(Of course, I then linked my brain to Wikipedia, just to be sure that I got my facts straight.)

But as it turns out, there are no genuine Legend of Zelda movies. Then why, you might ask, was it listed on the Internet Movie Database? It’s the same reason why TV shows are listed in the same database. It’s like buying a pair Nike shoes, only to realize that you just bought a pair of fakes. See if you can tell the difference:

(I think Nickel-brand shoes actually cost a nickel per shoe to make. Nike is actually a bit more respectable, paying their workers about 35 cents per shoe.)

And that’s why we should support movies. They are the real thing. The genuine article of life’s experiences. In comparison, video games and TV shows are the “off-brand” version of movies. We buy into them, thinking we’re going to get the same movie-like experience. But the experience usually falls apart like a cheap pair of Nickel Air shoes.

For all of our sakes, I hope the folks at the Internet Movie Database will someday be able to recognize The Legend of Zelda as a genuine movie, and not just as a knock-off sub-category.

One can only dream. . . .

P.S.: Be sure to read about who should play Ganon in the Zelda Movie!

10,000 B.C. – cleverest hero in film history!

He calls himself D’Leh, and he happens to be the cleverest hero in film history. For starters, his name spelled backwards is “held”…which is German for “hero.” And since the bad guys in this movie don’t speak German, they have no clue who they are dealing with!

Ruthlessly, the bad guys kidnap D’Leh’s girlfriend. Along with a hundred other slaves, they take her across the three lands—mountain, jungle, and desert—to work on a pyramid in their honor. They are so confident!

And they don’t realize that D’Leh is part of a prophecy that everybody believes in…a prophecy that speaks of a hero…a hero who can communicate with Spear-Tooth, the saber-toothed tiger…a hero who will bring ultimate destruction to bad guys everywhere.

But D’Leh wants them to feel confident. That way, the bad guys will be all the more careless.

To further disguise his potency as a hero, D’Leh’s friends call him “delay”…which is English for “good for nothing.” When D’Leh is ready to embark on a quest to rescue his girlfriend, his spiritual leader actually spits on him as a blessing in disguise. And that is very clever. Officers in World War II used to smear mud on their helmets to disguise their rank. You never know when a sniper is watching!

From that point onward, 10,000 B.C. is a blur of nonstop action. We get everything from man-eating ostriches to rampaging mammoths.

Well, there are some slow parts, like when D’Leh has to convince people to join his army. And the ending of the movie might seem a tad forced…but that’s how we know it’s good for us. Like a plate of our least favorite vegetables, it’s challenging, healthy, and in the end, it makes us happy once we get over it!

P.S.: If you like the warlord in this movie, find out what role will make him a movie villain superstar.

The Hobbit, unlucky 13, and one boy’s request

In Peter Jackson’s movie The Hobbit (directed by Guillermo del Toro), thirteen dwarves must reclaim their homeland from a great and terrible dragon named Smaug. But they cannot proceed with such an unlucky number. So for a fourteenth member to join their team they turn to Bilbo Baggins, a homely hobbit and reluctant burglar.

Coincidentally, the number of visits for my List o’ Movies page is also 13…and like the dwarves, I must proceed with caution.

Is there anybody out there willing to do the Bilbo Bagginsy thing? Anybody willing to become the fourteenth visitor?

Only then shall this unsettling curse be lifted…

Update!

The curse has been lifted!  Thank you to all who participated.  But this is only the beginning.  Our quest for movies is long, harsh, and never-ending…

No Country for Old Men—so true!

Never has a title been more accurate for a movie. Even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze has its inaccuracies, because, technically, the turtles are not teenagers. They only act like it. Sometimes. And the Ooze wasn’t really much of a secret to begin with.

And let’s not forget the hit classic Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. *Spoiler alert!* Rick Moranis doesn’t actually shrink his kids. His machine does it, by accident, and only after one of his kids hits the machine with a baseball, causing it to go haywire. So in essence, the title should be Honey, the Kids Shrunk Themselves.

And Batman is technically the Bat-like Man.

I have plenty more examples, but if I shared them, they might undercut my argument (to the untrained eye). So I’ll be safer talking about No Country for Old Men.

The Coen brothers are making a bold statement here, directing this movie. Finally they have the guts to say what we’ve all been thinking about, how there is literally no country for old men. They simply don’t belong out in the country, where there is so much gore and violence.

Tommy Lee Jones exercises my point brilliantly. He is the ultimate old man—a sheriff well beyond his prime. He moseys past all sorts of bloody crime scenes, more like a commentator than anything else.

Eventually he realizes what other old men in the movie realize: Old men should either stay indoors or go on vacation. Otherwise they’ll be wrapped up in way too much action.

And boy does this movie have action! Some of it has been censored for our protection. But what they do show is riveting! I never knew a bolt of air was so deadly! And that Spanish guy, Javier Bardem—he certainly gave me the willies!

I won’t say how this movie ends, but I will say this *hint, hint!* the Coen brothers are famous for making polished movies with a satisfying conclusion. So, obviously, No Country for Old Men is definitely up for a continuation, er, I mean, a sequel.

And kudos to the Coen brothers for pointing out to us the limitations of old men!

Stone Cold–a one-of-a-kind review!

Tom Selleck’s mustache is a seal of approval for this movie. You’re guaranteed gritty yet wholesome entertainment. Never mind the dead bodies that keep showing up around town—stone cold, as the title reminds us—shot twice in the chest by a team of serial killers. Yep, you heard correctly. A team, by golly.

The title Stone Cold also refers to Tom Selleck’s character, Jesse Stone, a small-town sheriff with big-town credentials. He used to work for the LAPD, working homicide cases. But now he’s retired from all that.

Or is he?

You see, trouble always seems to find him. Even in the sleepy little mountain town of Paradise.

Besides the dead bodies, Tom Selleck’s ex-wife keeps calling him from the big city. She’s a reporter, and she wants to bring nationwide media into Tom’s little town, to make him look like a fool. He’d better catch these serial killers soon, or else…big trouble!

Best of all, Tom Selleck still looks as fit as ever. In one scene he’s sitting on a porch with some girl who notices how tough he is.

Girl: Do you box?

Tom Selleck: No, I fight.

Girl: What’s the difference?

Tom Selleck: Rules.

And lucky for us, Tom Selleck doesn’t play by the rules. Well, I mean, he sort of does. Like, he doesn’t go around committing crimes, you see, because he’s a good guy, and good guys always follow the rules, unless you’re a tough good guy, in which case…oh, never mind!

Stone Cold is the first in a series of Jesse Stone thrillers, and I wanna see more!

New Myths news

I have a painting in the latest issue of New Myths. It’s a silly fantasy piece called Breakfast . . . enjoy! Also, I did a questionnaire in which I reveal my birthday and my mysterious origins! Find out, from this same questionnaire, what I have in common with legendary actor Toshiro Mifune! Just click on the name Rey Marz when you get there!

Dexter–an introduction to the show

If Superman were real, he’d be working for the Miami P.D. as a blood splatter forensics specialist named Dexter. Even though he is alien to our world, he goes out of his way to fit in. To be one of us.

On the outside, Dexter is helpful, friendly, and very good at his job. He’ll even go around the office, cheerfully handing out donuts to his co-workers. He’s charming. Knows just what to say. His girlfriend and her kids love him. He jokes a lot with his foster sister. If he’s not helping her get a boyfriend, he’s usually giving her tips on how to advance her career in law enforcement.

He’s an altogether nice guy, with feelings just like anybody else.

But sometimes his other side–his invincible side–will bleed through his mild-mannered front. He’ll stare at that box of donuts, seeing only napkins and crumbs remaining, and he’ll think:

It’s empty. Just like me on the inside.

And that gives him the edge to do what he does. He hunts down and eliminates his own kind, people who are alien to this world. Like cold-blooded sharks they kill without regret.

Yet Dexter is not like them. He has standards. The Code of Harry. His foster father, a police officer named Harry, had recognized how Dexter is different. How he has abilities not many of us have. And like Jonathan Kent, molding a future Superman, he gives Dexter the training he needs. And the morals to uphold.

Never harm the innocent, no matter how strange we might be. We are all trying to fit in, to find and maintain our part in society.

And then there are those who don’t belong. They are dangerous. Deadly. Emotionally invincible.

Thing is, though, they never counted on somebody like Dexter.

Stephen King loves Jumper!

Jumper is a great movie. Famed horror writer Stephen King told me so. And I believe him. After all, a friend of his helped produce the movie. So it must be good. Stephen King only makes friends with A-List talent. And if you’re not on the A-List, well, chances are you’ve worked on some bad movies. And that means you wouldn’t be one of his friends.

Consider the 2007 blockbuster Transformers. Stephen King isn’t friends with anybody who worked on it, and for good reason. That stinker was so bad he walked out on it!

Well, Transformers did have some cool Decepticons. The helicopter, Blackout, was creepy! The scorpion, Scorponok, was awesome! The police car named Barricade was way scary! And Bonecrusher was wicked cool, chasing the Autobots on the freeway like that!

Also, the Autobots themselves had loads of personality. Bumblebee was amusing, playing matchmaker for the boy and girl characters. And Rawhide was funny, how he got annoyed with the boy’s parents and wanted permission to destroy them.

There’s also some heavy drama. Poor Jazz! I won’t say what happened to him, except that he will be missed.

Even after they saved the world, the Transformers leave us many hints of a possible sequel. According to the Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots–

Wait, wasn’t I talking about Jumper? I suppose there is so much to love about Jumper that Stephen King and I simply don’t know where to begin. There’s Samuel L. Jackson. And then there’s the teleportation power that prevents him from getting his hands on Hayden Christensen, who does an excellent job of playing hard-to-get.

Other than that, Steve and I are speechless.

Jumper–the video game

Monks jump down from trees with an unusual fighting style…they get stuck to your head and they won’t let go! They call this passive resistance. Like a goofy party hat, the monks suck away what little dignity you have left.

No ordinary human can get rid of them. Forget your running abilities. The trick to defeating these pesky monks is to use your only superhuman power of “jumping” or “teleporting.”

When you reappear, the monk will be gone…licking his wounds in yet another tree, preparing for another ambush. But you are wiser now. Cautiously you continue on with the game, expecting the unexpected…

Hint: There will be much teleporting.