Torque (a.k.a. Road Rash the Movie)

Ice Cube is so tough he can do anything on a motorcycle. Give him a map, and at 90 miles per hour he’ll open up the map, read it, and hand it back to you — without even gripping the handlebars!

The man is a daredevil on wheels. He never shies away from a ramp. “There’s a ramp! I’m going for it,” he says, whether he’s riding on the freeway or on top of a speeding train.

If he gives you a hand signal — watch out! It’ll come so fast and furious, you won’t be sure if he’s punking you with a threat or saying hello.

And he’s not the only one. This movie is full of tough guys. There’s a chain master that whips vending machines just to get a soda. Potato chips are popular among the other tough guys. There are even a couple of tough girls, one representing Pepsi, the other representing Mountain Dew. And when they fight — oh boy! — they know how to swing their bikes around like motorized swords! Needless to say, Mountain Dew wins the battle.

Have you ever heard of the hit video game Road Rash, which involves ruthless punks on motorcycles? Well, Torque is the closet we’ll ever get to a movie version.

Our hero says it best: “I live my life a quarter of the mile at a time.” And his friends agree — this is the stupidest thing they ever heard!

Outland—starring Sean Connery

Sean Connery is being hunted down by guys with sniper-scopes mounted to their shotguns! And they mean business. Sparing no time for aiming with their red-vision scopes, they instead shoot from the hip. They are so trigger-happy that they even forget they’re in a space station, blasting windows and getting sucked into outer-space.

But Sean Connery knows better. While the assassins insist on wearing standard camping gear, Sean Connery has the good sense to put on a spacesuit.

One by one the assassins get sucked into outer-space. Soon there is only one assassin left.

A spacesuit, he realizes. I must find a spacesuit!

It’s his only chance against Sean Connery. This movie takes place before the advent of starships and star-fighters. So outer-space battles must be settled with the slow-motion art of spacesuit wrestling.

Sean Connery kicks and tugs. The assassin has a few moves of his own. But the ultimate technique for any spacesuit wrestler is a good, hard shove. And Sean Connery has mastered that move well. He sends the assassin floating off into oblivion.

There’s more, but I won’t spoil it! Frankly, though, I really don’t know what happened. I saw this on a Spanish channel, dubbed in Spanish without English subtitles. Best thing on TV that night!

Sean Connery, I figured, is a sheriff on a space station. He’s investigating a highly addictive drug that’s making the crew go insane. Who keeps peddling this strange, alien drug? And why? And where did it come from? And what did Sean Connery enjoy most about playing in this movie?

The Girl who Leapt through Time

Obscure movie review…Have you ever regretted doing something and wished you could roll back time and get another chance?

Well, it’s actually quite easy. All you need is an energy capsule. They are about the size of a walnut, in case you have trouble finding one.

You have one already? Impressive. At your leisure, absorb the energy. Good. You’ll see numbers appear on the back of your upper arm. Pay no attention to them. You’ll find out later what those numbers mean.

Now breathe easy, relax, and get ready to take a little leap of faith.

The animation in The Girl who Leapt through Time stays within the realm of high school, the surrounding neighborhoods, and a baseball field. The girl who discovers how to time travel has some fairly expressive leaps through time. She does, literally, take leaps, by the way. And sometime she is not always so successful, which can be kind of funny.

There is a thrilling scene near the end, involving a runaway bicycle down a busy street toward an oncoming train. The animation is solid. And when you throw in the element of time travel (or the lack of time travel when you really need it) this becomes a real edge-of-your-seat nail-biter (not that I bite my nails).

The story, in its simplest form, is about a boy from the future and a girl of the present who accidentally discovers (and unwittingly absorbs for herself) his time traveling abilities. Well-written, for the most part. Humorous and thoroughly enjoyable.

But I should say, the last 30 seconds might be somewhat dissatisfying. Part two, I say, bring us part two—even if it’s direct from the future!

Dexter on CBS

Bedridden with flu all day, I spent a few long hours listening to National Public Radio. On it I heard a review about the Showtime drama Dexter airing on CBS this Sunday at 10:00 pm. I’ve never seen it before (having no Showtime), but it sounds interesting. A psycho-killer who kills only psycho-killers…! I only hope I’m well enough to stomach the show by the time it comes on.

So I’ll check it out (even though it’ll be edited down for basic TV). Just thought I’d share this info.

Howl’s Moving Castle

From the guy who brought us Spirited Away and Kiki’s Delivery Service, and based on a novel by Diana Wynne Jones, this anime is so full of surprises I may have to watch it again just to remember all of it.

Animation:
Smooth, inventive, realistic. Howl’s castle is a walking junkyard, and a marvel to behold. Some flying sequences are even reminiscent of Disney’s Fantasia. But where this movie excels (trumping Disney, in my humble opinion) is with its portrayal of the main character. She is a young woman inflicted with a curse that makes her very, very old. Her rheumatism is animated with such accuracy it makes me cringe, feeling her pain.

Story:
Very different, with lots of variety. A woman gets cursed. So she must reverse the curse and then put to an end the powerful reign of the witch who cursed her, right? If you’re expecting this sort of revenge narrative, you might be disappointed.

However, if you like detective stories, in which one villain you thought was evil is not as bad as another villain you discover later on, Howl’s Moving Castle might be for you. Yet this can’t really be classified as a detective story. Sure, there’s a bit of mystery. But also self-discovery. And some inventive uses of magic along the way. You also get hints of a strange, inter-dimensional war going on. And there are even hints of a love story, which doesn’t kick into high gear (literally) until the final climatic scene.

 

World War II cartoon

A cartoon my Grandpa Manuel drew in 1945, as a U.S. Army soldier stationed in Europe. After D-Day, he and only two other guys from his Company F survived. Maybe it’s because it would have been his birthday last Thursday, or the fact that Saving Private Ryan is on TV tonight, that made me think of this picture. I simply had to put it up.

The Trouble with Movies

Stars, numbers, and thumbs can be quite misleading when reviewing a movie. I mean, Roger Ebert once told me that he gave the Spawn movie three and a half stars, almost a cinematic masterpiece. After seeing it, I’d have to disagree. Ebert himself admitted that he regrets the poor rating he gave for The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly when it first came out.

Movie trailers are equally deceptive. Just do a YouTube search for Star Wars: The Phantom Menace movie trailer. That thing is awesome … until you actually sit through the entire movie … most of the exciting parts went into the trailer!

So for my reviews, I’ll try to steer clear of ratings and trailers that hype a few highlights (keyword: try). Instead, I’ll try to write what I call “truth trailers.” The hype is stripped away, and from there the movie either falls or stands on its own.

Why aren’t we attacking Ron Paul?

Nobody ever contradicts the man, once he gets his ideas across. Sure, Colbert does a great job suggesting he’s a crazy nut *wink, wink* but then there’s nothing. No real debate.

In a previous post, which I deeply regret (sort of *wink*), I suggested that people should start attacking Ron Paul.

Some attacks can be devastating (think John Kerry + Swift Boat Veterans for You-Know-What). But other attacks can actually help a candidate by raising awareness (think about how the current top candidates are attacking each other, with their rebuttals and attacks highlighted across nationwide news). Meanwhile, poor Ron Paul gets left in the dust. Secretly, I think he might appreciate a wild yet well-produced attack advertisement. It might raise awareness for his cause.

But so far, nobody is stepping up to the plate. Why? Either they don’t know how to argue with Ron Paul, because he makes so much sense. Or they think he’s not worth the argument.

And that, in the spirit of democracy, is rather sad.

Attack Ron Paul!

What if somebody made an attack ad against Ron Paul?  So lonely for attention, he’d be like, “Finally!”  And then later, at the end of an attack ad against Ron Paul, we’ll hear Ron Paul saying, “I’m Ron Paul, and I approve this message.”

Spider-Man 3 — alternate beginning

Remember how Mary Jane was about to marry an astronaut? That was in part two. Well, Spidey-3 could’ve had a shuttle launch with that same astronaut character (who happens to be J. Jonah’s son, Peter’s boss from the Daily Bugle).

Think about it. A shuttle launch that goes terribly wrong. Something has smashed into one of its fuel tanks. Something alien. The shuttle careens back toward Peter Parker’s city, threatening to demolish the whole west side. Peter has to team up with his goblin nemesis, Harry Osborne, in order to stop the imminent destruction.

At some point, flying dangerously across the sky, anger overcomes Harry Osborne. He attacks Peter, just as they’re about to secure the falling shuttle. But then, in Peter’s weakest moment—half unconscious, nose-diving several hundred feet above ground—the black suit alien engulfs him. They merge into a stronger Spider-Man. Strong enough that he doesn’t need Harry anymore. Throwing webs and executing mid-air moves, the dark Spider-Man slows the shuttle to a safe landing in Central Park.

Spider-Man and the astronauts are greeted as heroes. Meanwhile, Harry slinks away, rejected and bitter at all the attention Peter is getting. Soon, the Green Goblin’s hatred overwhelms Harry completely . . . .

Wouldn’t that be a cool intro?