Zelda Movie 3: Return of the Hero

The journey comes to an end as a young country elf named Link squares off against the evil dark lord Ganon.

*spoiler alert*

Link wins, of course. And in the name of his picturesque homeland of Hyrule (and in honor of the lovely Princess Zelda who had sent him on this quest in the first place) he reclaims what Ganon had stolen:

The Triforce … a trio of triangular power-tablets which have a rightful place back at Hyrule Castle … spreading extreme peace and harmony throughout the land.

And Link goes down in Hyrulian history as a dependable hero.

Thus concludes this Legend of Zelda Movie Trilogy.

Find out where it all began:

Legend of Zelda: The Motion Picture
The hero gets all the glory.

Legend of Zelda: Part Two
Villain Strikes Back

More Thor Movies

Three main topics inspired this post:  Marvel Comic’s movie The Mighty Thor (2011) and the movie Hammer of the Gods (2009), and how Vikings never wore horns on their helmets, except during moments of prayer.

In particular, Hammer of the Gods stars Home Improvement’s Zachery Ty Bryan, a young Viking named Thor who realizes (through tummyache-inducing dream-visions) that he is in fact the genuine Mighty Thor—God of Thunder.  Only he is powerless without his hammer, as we see here in this film clip:

The legendary hammer is, in fact, locked away in a temple on a mountaintop, guarded by a couple of unlikely villains:

1) a tribe of mostly hairless werewolves (mainly covered in black paint to cut back on hair effects, which can be quite costly on movie productions)

2) a traitorous Viking in Thor’s midst (but Thor saw it coming, especially after they waved swords at each other, menacingly, from opposing cliffsides).

Harrowing? Yes! Do we deserve more? Yes, as long as Thor himself is up to it, which I am sure he is.

Old Time Radio – Harry Potter Legacy Review

From Stephen King to the Queen of England, Harry Potter has changed our lives. For proof, simply read one of the horror-meister’s latest Dark Tower books, The Wolves of Calla in which—in an alternate reality—killer androids blow things up with Harry Potter-brand grenades!!!

Even the word “muggle” has been transformed. Search wikipedia and you’ll find a whole history of muggle usages (going back as far as 1854, with Alice in Wonderland’s creator Lewis Carroll). Of course, according to several online sources, we all know now that muggles are actually non-magical people that never get invited into Harry Potter’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

But there is one guy that gets overlooked. Frank M. Robinson … the writer/actor who played a small role in Sean Penn’s Milk movie. Yes, that Frank M. Robinson.

Well, on January 16, 1957, legendary radio show X Minus One aired a play based on Frank’s story The Girls from Earth. It was just another old fashioned Martian romance … except for two startling words:

Muggle Juice.

It’s the beverage of choice on Mars. Creative, inventive, almost magical.

The biggest downside for fans of Muggle Juice?

Realizing that we non-magicals are still—and will forever be—trapped by Rowling’s definitive definition of the word muggle.

So … resistance is futile. Long live the legacy.

***

For the text version of the Robinson’s Muggle story, click here.

For the actual radio broadcast, click here.

Stan Lee’s Lightspeed – superfast review!

Marvel Comics guru Stan Lee brings us Lightspeed—the next generation in middle-aged superheroing!

Lightspeed’s Origin:

Daniel Leight was just an ordinary 50-something year old commando in the elite task force known as The Ghost Squad. In addition to their guns and ski masks, they have the latest in wrist-activated walky-talkies. Plus, Lee Majors (the Six Million Dollar Man!!) is their leader. And on Lee Majors’ desk there is a picture of his most special commando Daniel Leight.

Life was good … until, somehow, Daniel gets injured on the job.

An experimental radiation treatment cures him … but it also gives him light speed power. He runs real fast. To prevent getting windburn, he wears a ski outfit. To keep his elderly heart from exploding, he drinks cool-blue adrenaline juice.

Lightspeed’s Archenemy Python:

Let’s just say that he’s a failed scientist. His reptilian experiments went up in smoke, mutating him into the monster we see today. With no job, no girlfriend, and no more government funding, Python goes on a rampage of pure jealousy, ransacking the richest, most successful science labs.

But don’t worry. There’s no need to save the day, not if Lightspeed is on the way!

(Sorry for the lengthy review. I’ll make the rest of it so fast you won’t even see it happen!)

Anaconda –Trickiest Trilogy Ever

They made four Anaconda movies, all featuring a big snake, sometimes gentically altered, and always hungry for human-sized prey.  But only three involved celebrities.  Why?  Well, here is a sneak peek at the inner workings of the film industry:

Ever since celebrities J-Lo, John Voight, and Ice Cube blew up theaters with 1997’s Anaconda, producers have wondered, “How can we turn this thing into a trilogy?”

Answer: Get more celebrities!

But after seeing the first Anaconda, celebrities weren’t convinced. After all, the snake was dead. How could there be another snake? It just wouldn’t make sense.

So, produces made an unofficial sequel entitled Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid without the help of any celebrities.

After that, the celebrities came back in pairs. David Hasselhoff and John Rhys-Davies were on board to round off the final two movies, both of which were now officially numerically entitled  . . .  Anaconda 3 and 4.

So, if we exclude Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid as a kind of booby trap made to re-attract celebrities, Anaconda 1, 3, and 4 will altogether become the trickiest trilogy ever!

[Pictured here is John Rhys-Davies, the bearded budy Sala from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.  He played in Anaconda 3 and 4, as a millionaire who spends his time financing the genetic alteration of anacondas ... and also reading silently from big thick books (the dictionary?) while standing at a podium.]

Termination Point – the Never-Ending Movie Review!

A jumbo jet crashes. No survivors. Yet … among the wreckage, a young farm boy discovers a half-charred boarding pass … and the date on that boarding pass is for … gulp … tomorrow!!

Thus begins this mind-blender of a movie known as Termination Point.

Actor Lou Diamond Phillips stars as a cutting-edge scientist. Proving his brilliance as a scientist, he wears a studious-looking beard, a pair of glasses, and he builds a teleportation machine. With it he can zip anywhere, anytime, to any point in time. All he has to do is power up his machine with neon light bulbs and type in some coordinates on his cell-phone and—zip! Through a wormhole he goes!

Unfortunately, teleportation has a few side-effects.

1) A mismatching of people, places and things from alternate universes.

2) A planet-eating vortex that seems to enjoy floating in the sky, zapping stuff into oblivion. Mainly it attacks buildings. But it’ll also go after people if they try running away. And it’ll keep on zapping until there’s nothing left. (Hence the title Termination Point, that theoretical point at which we all meet some sort of universal termination.)

3) Rogue agents. They’ll stop at nothing to get their hands on Lou Diamond’s technology. (*hint, hint* gunfights galore!)

To get away from it all, Lou somehow bypasses airport security, smuggling his teleportation time machine onto Sky Wing Airlines, on a flight to Mexico.

But will he escape his problems?

Before seing this movie, I highly recommend re-reading this review to find out what could possibly happen next!

Ghouls – a movie of ghoulish mystery

Ghouls are on the loose in a sunny village in Romania!

They look a bit like flying charcoal smudges. But when they come down to attack—brace yourselves!—they morph into bloody-faced, raggedy-limbed mummies!

One hero (whose name is Thomas) has devoted his life to stopping them. As a descendant of Druid warriors, Thomas is armed with a family heirloom (a dagger which he sometimes stares at whenever he needs cheering up) and a trench coat lined with flash grenades and a shotgun full of flash cartridges. A blinding flash does wonders against a ghoul attacking in broad daylight.

So what is a ghoul anyhow? Dictionaries will say that it’s either a grave robber … or someone who delights in stuff that a grave robber would enjoy … or it’s a bloodthirsty demon from Muslim folklore.

In  the movie Ghouls, these creatures are actually the ghosts of ancient robed beings mysteriously known only as The Ancients. They have a queen ghoul. And they have magic powers. And a black stone—the size and shape of an ostrich egg—brimming with even more magic powers! They even have a whole group of human followers! Ghoul sympathizers! Spies!

Yet, no matter how tough things get, we can always do what our hero Thomas does. Find something we like, and stick with it. Even if it means watching this movie!

The Hive—a Busybody Movie Review

Ants in your pants? Be thankful they aren’t the carnivorous super-brains from the science fiction horror movie The Hive. They’ll either gobble you up within seconds … or they’ll give you a headache with their superior intellect.

Yes, these ants are smart. Super-smart. Like, build-your-own-supercomputer smart.

But so are the humans. First we have a rainforest dictator who rightfully says, “We will not negotiate with ants!”

And then we have the insect exterminators—Team Thorax. There is much to say about Team Thorax … like, instead of the usual insecticide, they have plasma blasters! And custom-made binoculars! I say custom-made, because their company logo is clearly visible through the viewfinder.

Note the cleverness of their logo:
Mighty Thor. Insects. Ajax. Anthrax. All sorts of things come to mind.

Equally varied is the plot. We get … explosions! Insect kidnappings! Romance! A music-driven montage involving microscopes and pheromones! Tentacles made purely of ants! Ant in the ear! And … surprise! A surprise ending which I will unsurprisingly not reveal here … but surprisingly I must stop before I do!

Mighty Thor. Insects. Ajax. Anthrax. All sorts of things come to mind.

Equally varied is the plot. We get … explosions! Insect kidnappings! Romance! Music-driven montage involving microscopes and pheromones! Tentacles made purely of ants! Ant in the ear! And … surprise! A surprise ending which I will unsurprisingly not reveal here … but surprisingly I must stop before I do!

Copperhead – a snakebit movie review

“Cowboys battles copperhead swarm.”

That’s how a movie guide might summarize 2008’s Copperhead.   It’s Cowboys versus Copperheads … nature’s … um … Cowboy Killing Machines.  For a breif instant we get a bit of realism: a computerized animation of a one-toothed snake.  Apparently, somebody behind the scenes was aware that copperheads sometimes lose their fangs after biting a victim, and that they can replace their fangs up to four times a year.

But that’s it for realism. The rest is pure fantasy.

Snakes slithering up walls (in order to surprise victims by plopping down from rafters and rooftops) … cowboys doing a snake-dance while holding bundles of sensitive nitroglycerin … a big something at the end of the movie (which will not be described here, for anti-spoiler reasons) … and a Gatling gun that shoots both bullets and harpoons.

And be on the lookout for the sheriff. He hides from bullies. Yet he picks on heroes who are trying to uphold the law. He’s real handy with making  wanted posters. 

Most enjoyable of all is the reinvention of cowboy trash talk. Consider this crooked game of poker, in which the hero and villain antagonize each other to no end (NOTE: certain italicized words have been altered to maintain a G Rating):

Villain: “I’ll paint these walls with your blood, your brains, and your bells.”

Hero: “Are you all talk, or do you have enough ants in your pants to back it up?”

Villain’s helper (clearly not helping): “I guess there’s something wild in this card game after all!”

Me (wrapping up this review): “The End.”

For more cowboy action adventure, check out:

The Far Country
Jimmy Stewart vs. a Surprise Villain during the Klondike Gold Rush!

100 Million BC – Time Out Movie Review!

Army guys! Time travel! Dinosaurs!

Yes, that about sums up this movie, 100 Million BC (not to be confused with Raquel Welch’s One Million Years BC).

Yet there is so much more! Remember the Philadelphia Experiment, that true story that allegedly never took place during the 1940s? Well, apparently, scientists from that experiment were transported back—way, way back!—to the age of dinosaurs.

And then some army guys go through time to rescue them.

But it’s the scientists who are the real heroes of this movie. Living in the past has made ‘em tough. Like … killing raptors and pterodactyls and outwitting a big reddish-looking T. Rex known as Big Red … that kind of tough. They can even jump from a helicopter twenty feet high above the ground with the ease and skill of Jedi Ninjas!!

The only thing weighing these guys down is perhaps their science. It’s a bit heavy.

WARNING: *Scientifically Challenged Spoiler Alert*

Time travel involves poking your pointy finger at a little handheld device … thereby activating the much larger Rainbow Device, which we really don’t need (depending on where we are in the movie) … as long as the presiding scientist can somehow generate enough exotic matter to penetrate the space/time continuum with a sparkly blue wormhole, otherwise known as a singularity.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go have a time out to think about what I just said.

Want more dinosaurs?

Aztec Rex
A tyrannosaur in Ancient Mexico!

Be sure to check out another time period movie:

10,000 B.C.
Adventure, history, magic!

Or how about more time travel?

Termination Point
Lou Diamond Phillips takes a flight into oblivion!